My first lesson in thinking before I act came when I was twelve. We lived on Greer Avenue on the Westside of St Louis Mo. I stayed with my mom and brother at the time, free from responsibility but I never fully realized how sweet I had it until I got locked up for the first time.
It was September 16, 1994. It was a sunny day. I remember this day so vividly because it was my younger brother’s birthday. I was supposed to pick him up after school and take him home so that we could go to Six Flags. After picking up my brother we were walking down Belt Street, which was around the corner from our house. I had a gun on my waist because we were in gangs at this time. The gun fell down my pant leg. Eventually, I had to stop and put it back on my waist. While doing so somebody must have seen me because by the time we got down the street the police were surrounding us from every angle. Luckily I had time to put the gun across the street under my jacket before they pulled up. When I asked the police why they were bothering us they replied we got an anonymous tip that there was some kids walking down the street with a gun and that we fit the description, which was funny to me because my brother and I had on the exact same thing. I got locked up and they let my brother go home. This was my first time going to jail and my first taste of the loss of freedom, but surely not my last.
I sat in jail a little over a month. I was finally released because of false testimony. That was a blessing in disguise because that little time in jail was one of the worst months of my life. Jail was no fun while in there, it made me respect my freedom a lot more. Officers were saying things to me like, I'm never going home, I'll never see my family again basically trying to scare me. I didn't know any better so it worked. After being released I said I would cherish every minute of every day.
Through the years I've learned to think before I act. For example, if one of my cousins pulled up and asked me to go stealing with him I would think of the consequences first. Is it worth it, whose going to take care of my family if I get caught, or just simply do I want to go back to jail today. That kept me out of trouble for a while.
In 2007, thirteen years later, I ended up catching another weapons charge. I was sentenced to twelve years and had to do a minimum of five before I'd be eligible for parole. This is when I really learned my lesson in thinking before I act. I was taken away from my family and sent to a penitentiary in Charleston Mo. which is a level five maximum security institution. At this time I was twenty-five with a wife and three year old son. Times were already hard because my son was born prematurely and his mother needed my help. I'd just found out my mom was fighting breast cancer, but my mom tried to make it a little easier. We made a pact, that if I took care of myself while inside she'd take care on the outside.
While incarcerated my wife came to see me a lot. You could tell this was starting to get to her. In Douglass's autobiography he remembers "She at first lack the depravity indispensable to shutting me up in mental darkness". My situation was similar because, after coming so far so long not being able to touch your loved one the evilness starts to come without notice. When I first got sent away she was there through thick and thin sweet, kind, loving, just waiting for me to come home. Douglass also shows the kindness of his mistress "My mistress was, as I have said, a kind and tenderhearted woman". I can relate to this because my wife was the same way at first. Coming to see me just started to get to her I guess because I'd been gone so long.
I had to do something to keep busy and my mind occupied. So I decided to get my G.E.D. this was going to be a challenge because no one in my family graduated. In his autobiography Douglass points out "During this time, I succeeded in learning to read and write. In accomplishing this I was compelled to resort to various stratagems." I had to find different ways of studying and finding people willing to help wasn't easy. At times I had to use canteen to get the help I needed. You have to use any means necessary to get what you need.
I had to learn ways to get around things because if not I would have stayed in trouble. Guards and inmates tried to provoke you to putting your hands on them. Some inmates are never going home, so they want you to stay with them. The guards act like you are the lowest scum on earth. They tell you when to get up, bang on your doors and talk to you like you are a kid. This makes you so mad at times hurts your feelings but you can't do anything because you are trying to go home. I remember a time when I was going on a visit to see my wife, they talked to me so bad, saying: “Why would anyone come see you she must not be anyone ether, only a dumb person would come all this way to see a bum.” I started finding ways to stay out there faces, exercising, taking classes, and playing cards I got good time and the parole board release me.
When I came home I had a new outlook on life. I started spending more time with my wife and son, quit the gangs and got in school. Before I went to jail I was living day by day, now I'm living better my future. I didn't have any goals at first but now I have to set a way for myself and my son so that he doesn't make the mistakes I did. A simple thing like not thinking before you act can take your life from you in a blink of an eye.
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