One day, during the summer of 2013, my life totally changed. I was told that I had to leave my mother’s house. My mother and older cousin got into an altercation. They were verbally attacking each other on what each party felt wasn’t right. My mother got angry and told my cousin that she had to go, things got heated, and one thing lead to another. My younger cousins’ and I felt that it wasn’t right and tried to intervene. I was shocked and couldn’t believe my eyes. Then my mother turned to the rest of us and told us that we had to go as well. This started my journey in learning one of the hardest lessons in my life; I couldn’t depend on anyone but myself. My mother had never reacted in such a way. When it happened I was blown away.
Frederick Douglass suggests that he had at least one master who was even remotely nice at first. “When I went there, she was a pious, warm, and tender-hearted woman. There was no sorrow or suffering for which she had not a tear. She had bread for the hungry, Clothes for the naked, and comfort for every mourner that came within her reach. Slavery soon proved its ability to divest her of these heavenly qualities. Under its influence, the tender heart became stone, and the lamb-like disposition gave way to one of tiger-like fierceness.” Even though I have never been a part of slavery I knew what he meant in this moment. The same way he felt about his mistress was the same way I felt about my mother after the altercation. When I was younger my mother was always kind and very over protective and wanted to shelter me from anything harmful or anything that she felt was harmful. Along the way something happened to her that made her grow tired and less protective. As I got older her personality changed almost every day she went from a sweet loving mother to a woman I no longer knew. But it felt that overtime it was just from life’s hardships that took over her. It was as if she had a switch and could turn it on and off when necessary.
After the altercation, I had no choice but to call my child’s father. I could not take JaCole with me. I wasn’t sure where I was going to lay my head that night. So, I did the next best thing by sending my son to say with his dad until I could get up on my feet. I felt so ashamed that I could not take him with me. But, I knew he wouldn’t be in harm’s way. I knew I couldn’t be selfish. I sent him to stay just until I could provide for him and myself. It was the hardest time of my life. I knew it was going to be a while before I would wake up to his little hands grabbing my face. Or him kissing my forehead saying, “Mommy get up, its morning.” I would spend my day trying to do any and every thing to keep the situation far from my mind. I became depressed over not having my son with me. I became so depressed that I didn’t want him to see me in that light. I spent many nights being held and rocked to sleep because all I could do was cry. But, I knew where I was staying was no place that I wanted him either, so his father had him for the next three months. I got my son back on September 29th. It was one of the best days since being put out. I never wanted him to leave my side I would stay up late hours. I just watched him sleep. I would have a bad day and all I had to do was look at him and my troubles would wash away.
During the time he was with his father I was living with my aunt. While there she helped me learn a piece of my lesson as well. I felt used and taken for granted. I was the only one in the house with a job. I didn’t mind helping out with the bills but it started becoming more and more of a hassle. Instead of being able to save up so that I could get my own apartment, my aunt started to ask me for money for her own purposes, which stopped me from saving. Once I started giving her money for whatever she needed, I started having less and less money to set to the side for me to save up in order to get myself back on my feet and go get my son. She also taught me to not depend on anybody. I thought that since she was my aunt that she would help me out but, she was just using me for my money for herself and I was back at square one. A lot of family members would come to me telling me that they felt that I should move back home with my mama. They all said that they thought that maybe she only did it because she was frustrated. I felt that she did it on purpose. In Douglass’s reading he claims “I envied my fellow-slaves for their stupidity. I have often wished myself a beast. I preferred the condition of the meanest reptile to my own. Anything, no matter what, to get rid of thinking.” Like Douglass I often felt as if I wish I could have the same mind set as others. I wish that I didn’t know the truth; I wished that I was blind to everything such as them. But I knew all too well what was true. My Mother had been like this for the last few years when people weren’t around she would be mean on some days and other days she was extremely nice. So I knew that it was no mistake.
At first, I was kind and loving and gave my last to anybody. If you were near me and said that you needed one thing or another I made sure that I helped as best as I could. I would always put others before myself. I made sure everyone else around me was happy. When most of the time I was very unhappy. After this experience and feeling used I stopped just offering my help I make sure to do what makes me happy rather than making other people happy first. When it comes to JaCole he’s the only person that I put before myself. I never knew that one little person could have such an effect on my life. Now I cherish every moment I get to spend with him whether it’s a millisecond, second, minutes, hours or days. This situation has changed me completely and honestly I'm ok with it.
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