An Education Narrative by Larry A. Bradley

Spring 2013

The most significant lesson that I have learned in life is to listen. When I look back on my life and examine the mistakes that I have made, I am reminded of the time when I went to jail at twenty-four years old simply because I failed to listen to good advice. I had a troubled childhood for one reason – the lack of parenting.

My mother was extremely abusive, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. She was physically abusive because I was beaten every day for some reason or no reason at all. Sometimes I deserved the discipline and other times I did not. For example, when I was living in Lemoyne Gardens, which is government housing, in Memphis, Tennessee at the age of eight years old, a little boy whose name I cannot recall, knocked on my mother’s door and informed her that I was fighting him. Although this was untrue, my mother whipped me without hearing what I had to say.

I also experienced emotional abuse. I did not know how to feel most of the time. I would ask myself what I did that was wrong. However, the answer was always that I did not know what I had done. She also abused me emotionally by calling me names and instilling in me that I would never amount to anything. For years, I believed the words that she said to me, simply because as a child, I did not know what else to believe. After all, a mother was to be trusted and believed or so I thought.

Spiritual abuse was prevalent in my life as well. Everything that was said and done to me hurt me to my very soul. The deepest part of my inner being wreaked pain. Therefore, from my childhood experiences, my mother instilled low self-esteem within me. The abuse that I experienced caused me to loathe my existence. I did not like myself but I was with myself all the time.

In Douglass’ writing, there is a similarity when he reflects, “It was this everlasting thinking of my condition that tormented me” (320). I did not like myself but every second, minute, and hour, there I was unable to elude myself. Douglass reflected on the anxiety that he experienced when learning to read when stating, “It was heard in every sound, and seen in everything. It was ever present to torment me with a sense of my wretched condition. I saw nothing without seeing it, I heard nothing without hearing it, and I felt nothing without feeling it. It looked from every star, it smiled in every calm, breathed in every wind, and moved in every storm.” (320-321). Just as Douglass described his anxiety, so goes my experience with the feeling of low self-esteem. I just could not escape the emotion of low self-worth.

My emotional state was much like Douglass’ as he reflects, “I often found myself regretting my own existence and wishing myself dead; and but for the hope of being free. I have no doubt but that I should have killed myself or done something for which I should have been killed” (321). The difference between Douglass’ and my regret is that he was not free from slavery while I was not free of myself.

In 1966, at the age of sixteen, I was standing on the corner of Sarah and Olive, on a cold, wet winter night with marijuana and barbiturates in my possession. Suddenly, I saw blue lights along with the roaring sound of sirens. I was startled and began to run; however, before I could get very far, I was captured by the police officers. One officers, who was breathing heavily as a result of the pursuit, shouted, “Put your hands behind your back and face to the ground!” In obedience, I placed my face to the ground, nose first, breathing in rainwater from the puddle where I landed, I heard the horrible sound – the clicking of handcuffs as he bound one hand first and then the other. I was lifted from the ground in one swoop and slammed into the back of the police car. It was clear that the officers were angry because they had to chase me. At this point, the officers drove to the corner of Sarah and Olive and instructed me to get out of the car, spread my legs for the purpose of being searched. Soon, a massive crowd formed in spite of the damp, cold weather. If you could take an aerial photograph, it would appear as a sea of umbrellas in a multitude of vibrant colors. As the officers searched me, I could hear an on-looker shout, “Look! Is that Ms. Verlee’s son?” Obviously someone in the throng knew me because they loudly proclaimed my identity. I heard another observer declare, “He is a criminal and should be locked up!” My mother, uncles, aunts, older brothers, and neighbors told me to avoid association with delinquents. However, my failure to heed their advice led to my troubles with the law. It seemed that in the midst of my dilemma, I could hear their voices echoing in my ears, instructing me not to do exactly that which I did. The consequences were precisely as they described – troubles with the law.

I was embarrassed and at that moment, realized that the Bible was correct in its assertions as I remembered the word of David, the author of Psalms. “For the Lord knows the way of the righteous, But the way of the ungodly shall perish” (New King James Bible, Psalms 1.6). I interpret this verse to mean that the Lord knows everything and that there was a need for a change in lifestyle or eventually, the ways of the wicked will end in destruction. This verse begins with the righteous and ends with the ungodly. In retrospect, it is necessary for me to sacrifice. I have to make different choices, such as becoming a better listener, pursuing higher education, abandoning the night life, that is, the late hours in the club. Sacrifice also included choosing atypical acquaintances as opposed to the types of people that I had previously chosen to befriend.

My actions caused me to alter the course of my life and to reflect further upon other biblical verses. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths” (Proverbs 3.5-6). This scripture reminded me that in my own understanding, only trouble results. By allowing the Lord to direct my path, I can avoid some of the potholes of life.

The spiritual change led to my willingness to listen and learn. The Scripture says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new” (II Corinthians 5.17). Thus, all things became new – my thoughts, my hearing, my goals, my plans, and the essence of my very being. The spiritual change occurred as a result of my life experiences that caused hard lessons, including the lack of parenting, the arrests, and addiction as a method of coping with it all. All of these incidents worked together to cause a change in my life. Today, I am more open-minded. I have an old saying, “Eat the meat and spit out the bones.” For example, as my professors lecture, I listen for the “meat”, that is, the useful information. “Bones,” phrases devoid of worthwhileness, are also incorporated with the “meat.” In other words, I take from the lecture what I can use and leave that which does not profit me because listening is a lesson well-learned.

Finally, yet another Biblical reference has benefitted me. “In all your getting, get understanding” (Proverbs 4.7b). Understanding is the “meat” of the lecture. I continue to keep my ears open, listening intently in the event that I hear valuable information. I have learned the importance and benefits to be a good listener.